Ages and Stages

From the day they are born, babies learn important lessons about trust and love. Babies can’t take care of themselves, they need you. When you do meet their needs consistently, babies learn to trust. When you hold, kiss, and caress a baby, the baby learns how to be loved. Love and trust! What could be a better foundation for raising sexually healthy children! And you did it!

So, you see, you have already started. Let’s take a look at what comes next on the yellow brick road.

• Birth to age two

• Three to five

• Six to nine

• Ten to thirteen

• Fourteen to eighteen

From birth to age two your child may:

• explore all body parts and find their penis or vagina as early as 8 months
• have pleasurable feelings-boys have erections and girls experience fluid (lubrication) in the vagina from birth
• begin to develop either positive or negative attitudes towards their own bodies
• respond to messages from the family about expected behaviors for boys and girls
• begin to develop a male or female identity

One of the behaviors you probably won’t see in a child this young is modesty. Many toddlers may not want to wear clothes. But don’t worry, as they get a little older you will be able to teach them about privacy and modesty.

From age three to five children become more independent and more curious about themselves and others. Don’t be surprised if your child does a lot of investigating how others look. They may peek under clothing, undress dolls, examine pets and stuffed animals for genitals.

From ages three to five your child may:

• use common childhood games like playing house or doctor with playmates and siblings to satisfy their curiosity.
• masturbate or seek comfort and pleasure from genital touch
• develop a personal identity of themselves as male or female
• include and mimic adult sexual behavior they have observed into their play
• repeat curse words they hear
• want to know more about their origins as in "where did I come from?"

In today’s world all care givers are concerned about protecting children from sexual abuse and exploitation. You might find yourself surprised by some of the normal childhood sex play that you see and wonder if you need to be concerned. Here are two helpful tips: If you see children mimicking adult sexual behavior that they should not have seen or be aware of, be concerned. If you interrupt children playing doctor and everyone giggles, that’s normal, but if a child is crying or distressed this is not ok. It is however a wonderful “teachable moment” to begin to talk about respect and boundaries with your child.

Now your child is moving out into the world and going to school and learning that all families don’t look like yours. Children are also starting to figure out their own place in the world and how to form relationships outside of the family. Your child will go through many changes and phases. You may not be happy with everything your child brings home and every new idea they express. But when it comes to keeping communication going, especially around sensitive issues like sexuality, be accepting. Let your child know you will accept them for who they are. If you can do that they will be more likely to talk to you along your journey down the yellow brick road.

From ages 6-9 your child may

• want more information about pregnancy and birth
• continue sex play and masturbation
• identify with stereotypical gender roles regardless of how you are raising them
• form strong same gender friendships
• have formed a basic sexual orientation
• may express strong feelings of modesty and a need for privacy when in the bathroom or getting dressed

Your child is beginning to understand the nature of different relationships-family members, friends, and authority figures. A new awareness of authority figures, such as teachers, may lead your child to see them as more knowing than you. Friends also become more important and the pressure to conform grows. Boys may experience more peer pressure to choose activities and styles that are clearly identified as traditionally male. Girls are more likely to conform to dress and speech styles of their close friends. This is a very important time to keep the lines of communication open. Listening to your child is key to letting your child know that he/she can come to you and talk about anything.

Now puberty begins. Remember how fast your child changed from their first day until they were five? The same kind of rapid growth also happens during these years. The pace of the physical, emotional and behavior changes varies from child to child. While many schools provide puberty education, it is important that your child knows that you want to talk and listen about their experience. Yes, you will have to do your homework and make sure you have accurate information to share with your child.

From ages 10 to 13 your child may

• be awkward and concerned about whether they are normal
• want more privacy
• experience emotional ups and downs
• masturbate to orgasm
• develop crushes on friends as well as celebrities and even teachers and counselors
• be strongly influenced by peer pressure
• continue to learn more about society’s expectations for appropriate female and male behaviors.
• use more adult sexual language
• begin to have romantic and sexual fantasies
• experiment with kissing and touching in relationships
• face decisions about more risky sexual behaviors including oral sex and intercourse

Talking about puberty is more than an anatomy lesson. As children become older and more independent they are exposed to conflicting messages about sex and sexuality from many sources. It is very important that they hear what you think, feel and believe.  While you cannot control what they hear elsewhere, if you and your child are talking and listening to each other you have the ability to help them become sexually healthy and responsible persons.

During the teenage years your child’s understanding of their sexuality continues to develop. Now they have more skills and are old enough to talk about how they think and feel. But teens don’t always make that easy for us. Young teens in particular often act as if they know everything and couldn’t be the slightest bit interested in what their parents have to say. Don’t be fooled. Survey after survey of teens reveals the same thing, teens want their families to talk with them about feelings and values.

From 13-18 your child may 

• continue to experience the emotional and physical changes of puberty

• begin forming more serious romantic relationships

• test and challenge parental control

• form stronger  bonds with friends and become less dependent of family

• make decisions regarding sexual behavior

• seek to establish their own set of values regarding sexuality

The way children grow and develop varies from child to child. The information presented here represents the typical process of sexual development during childhood. If you have concerns about your child’s development we encourage you to speak with your pediatrician.