Answering Children's Questions

Some children are very curious and start asking questions about everything, including sexuality, as soon as they learn to talk. Other children only come to adults with questions when they are confused about something. Still others never or rarely ask questions. If your child doesn't ask questions, don’t worry, you haven’t done anything wrong. Some children are shy, others may not be very curious by nature and still others like to find out the answers themselves. Sometimes children sense that they shouldn’t ask questions about sex from the way they see adults react when they do ask about sex.

If your child asks questions, consider yourself lucky. Questions make it easier to start the conversation about sexuality.

If your child doesn’t ask questions, don’t wait. Use everyday events-something seen on TV, a relative or friend’s pregnancy, taking a bath, diapering a baby-to start talking.

Your goals: Here are two new words to help guide you. Askable - you want to act in a way that always signals to you child that they can come to you for answers to their questions. Teachable - you can use all sorts of events and remarks-even jokes- to start talking about sexuality. Think of it this way, TV, movies, music, cartoons, comics, games and peers all send their own messages, i.e. create their own teachable moments, to children about sexuality. If you want your children to know what you believe and want for them- you are the only one who can tell them. Recognize teachable moments and start the conversation.

General Tips For Answering Young Children’s questions

Be Honest - If you don't know the answer say so and look it up together. If you are embarrassed or uncomfortable, admit it. Praise them for asking a good question and give it your best try. This will send a strong message that you want to help them even if it makes you uncomfortable
Make sure you know what they are asking - "That’s an interesting question, what have you heard?" "or tell me more about what you want to know" This approach also gives you time to think about how you want to answer.
Don’t avoid answering - If you can't answer immediately or its not an appropriate place to talk, be specific about when you will be able to talk. "Let’s talk about this in the car or when we get home."
Keep it simple - Use simple explanations and avoid words that children may not understand. Remember to be age appropriate. Even the basic question "where to babies come from" will be asked and answered differently at ages 5, 9, or 13
Make sure your child understands - Ask them if they understand or ask, "Does that answer your question?"

For Young Children Less is Better than More

At a Planned Parenthood workshop a mother of a nearly 4-year-old girl shared this story with the group. She told us that neither her father nor her mother ever talked with her about sexuality or encouraged her to ask questions. This silence had caused the young mother a good deal of anxiety and confusion growing up. She vowed that when her daughter was born that she would be an askable parent. One morning her daughter came into her parent’s bedroom and found a condom package on the night stand. "What’s this?" she asked. Her mother’s mind (and heart rate) started racing, she broke into a sweat wondering what to say. She remembered her vow and forced herself to start talking. "It’s a condom", the mother responded not knowing what to say next. Her daughter looked up at her, nodded, and promptly dropped the condom back on the night stand and walked out of the room her curiosity satisfied. At four, her daughter was not asking about contraception or safer sex or sexual behavior, she was mastering language and the names of things. Her mother’s answer was just what she was asking-"what do you call this?"

Pamela M.Wilson, MSW, a nationally known consultant and trainer on many areas of sexuality education including parent-child communication suggests that "less is better than more" when responding to children’s questions. This means that questions should be answered with the simplest possible explanation. This technique helps to explain aspects of sexuality in language that is appropriate to the child’s age.

Follow this link to read examples of how to make complicated concepts understandable to children aged four through seven originally appeared in Ms. Wilson’s book When Sex is the Subject: Attitudes and Answers for Young Children. © ETR Associates. All rights Reserved. Reprinted with permission from ETR Associates, Scotts Valley, CA. For more information about this and other related materials, call 1-800-321-4407.

Learn how to explain Tough Topics in Easy Terms.

The way children grow and develop varies from child to child. The information presented here represents the typical process of sexual development during childhood. If you have concerns about your child’s development we encourage you to speak with your pediatrician.

Click the ruby slippers to go back home.