Practical Tips for Families

Practice, Practice, Practice. Find a friend, partner, adult family member and practice what it is you plan to say. You need to hear what you want to say out loud. It is a good idea to practice saying words, like "vagina" or "penis", you maybe unused to saying out loud. As you gain more comfort you will relax and this will make talking easier. And your child will be more relaxed as well.

Seek "teachable" moments. A casual comment or joke or a TV show or movie can provide lots of opportunities to talk. All you need to start the conversation is to say "what did you think about that?" when events pregnancy, first dates, engagements, marriage, divorce, meeting gay people happen among friends and family, etc.

Be "askable". Always respond to a question even if it’s to say that you don’t know the answer and that you and your child can find the answer together. Or it’s not a good time to talk, promise to talk later and be specific about when. Offer praise and gratitude that your child wants you to explain or discuss the topic with you.

When in doubt, listen. When your child asks a question that takes you by surprise or you didn’t think you would have to deal with the particular issue so soon, take a breath and say "that’s a very interesting question, what do you think about that?". This way your can be sure of what child is actually asking. It also gives you time to calm down and think about how you want to answer the question.

Make it comfortable  Many parents find that talking while driving in the car, doing chores or a project helps everyone feel more comfortable. It makes the conversation seem more spontaneous or casual and you don’t have to maintain eye contact. Teens can maintain their attitudes and their "cool" and listen to every word you say.

Typical concerns of parents shared during Planned Parenthood Education Programs:

• Are We Normal? Families wonder if others are struggling with the same issues. There is a strong need to feel like they share challenges of raising children with others. And hearing others with similar concerns makes them feel more normal and less alone. Meeting with other parents gives everyone a chance to support and learn from each other.
• Fear of Being Seen as a Bad or Incompetent Parent Even the closest and most loving families can find themselves struggling with how to talk with their children about sexuality. Most of us grew up in sex silent homes, so we lack role models, get tongue tied and don’t know how to start. Group discussion can offer an exchange of ideas and practical information for parents to use.
• The What and When of Knowing A major concern is whether parents can tell a child too much, too soon. Another is that you can keep a child "innocent" if you withhold information. Both concerns presume that education will increase sexual curiosity and behavior. There is no evidence or research that shows that either of these beliefs is true.
• Lack of Knowledge Parents sometimes feel under educated about sex themselves and are uncertain about what to say at what age. Learning about resources such as books, films, online and community resources, like Planned Parenthood, can help. You can always research facts.
• The No’ s and Yeses of Sex Families may differ in their beliefs but most have a clear sense of the "no's" they want to say. They struggle with the "yeses" of sexuality – how to be sexually responsible and enjoy intimate relationships. Parents need to provide guidance as well as facts. Small group discussion and workshops can help families come up with the answers that work best for them.

To scheduled a small discussion group, a program for parents, or a parent child workshop contact our Education Department in Binghamton at 607-723-5130 ext. 212. For more information, write to ppscny@ppfa.org.

The way children grow and develop varies from child to child. The information presented here represents the typical process of sexual development during childhood. If you have concerns about your child’s development we encourage you to speak with your pediatrician.

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